24 September 2010

I was stuck in Liverpool on the eve of my sixty first birthday at John Lennon airport, waiting for Ryan Air to deliver my son safely back from his hols in Ibiza. As it turned out the delay wasn’t the fault of Ryan Air it was the French air controllers refusing to let anyone pass through their air space. During the three long hours I was forced to endure anxiously waiting, I had no other option than to repose on a selection of very hard chairs, which reminded me yet again of my favourite HIV gripe – why do the HIV meds strip us HIV positive women of our precious bottoms? We need our bottoms for various reasons and perhaps some best not to go into, but most of all we need them to sit on. Without a reasonably padded bottom, sitting can become an uncomfortable, painful and as in my case last night, extremely torturous business.

There are solutions to this, for example some of my positive African girl friends have invested in a bottom enhancer. According to an article on an old BBC News page a national dance craze on the Ivory Coast spawned a black market in bottom enhancers and painful sounding treatments such as injecting the buttocks with vitamin B12. The dance itself the Babaraba, which means big bottom, was inspired by DJ Eloh’s hit song of the same name. African footballers have since adopted the moves and that is why they can often be seen to be engaged in a curious on-pitch dance after each goal scored. I do hope it doesn’t catch on here like the vuvuzela, which sounds like a rude word for women’s parts, as the thought of Wayne Rooney wiggling his babaraba is enough to make me feel physically quite sick.

If like me you don’t fancy the thought of injecting your babaraba (Ba ba ba babaraba Ann) or cannot afford to invest in a bottom enhancer, a couple of scatter cushions stuffed down your jeans might do the trick, a bit like when men used to stuff socks down their flies (or a banana) to give them the appearance of being well endowed, or a cut off hosepipe in some cases – or even an entire hosepipe if the man really wanted to impress.

“Is that an entire hosepipe from B&Q in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?”

The more enterprising amongst us could stitch some extra padding into our knickers, or a few old past their sell by elastically challenged socks or knickers if you fancy the more natural appearance, a bit like stuffing a tired old sofa or sagging armchair.

If you are concerned that the dreaded meds might be stripping you of your rightful bottom, you can try the following test. This involves sitting on a leather sofa (if you haven’t got one head off to DFS who according to their continuous adverts are practically giving them away) and if you leave two pointed indents in your wake, you know that this is sadly the case. Women or men who are not positive will be curling their lips at this juncture and snarling, I should be so lucky. But rejoice in your big bottoms I say, as us positive bottomless women and men hold nothing but envy for you.

Songs have been written about big bottoms, by Queen for example, or the aforementioned Ba Ba Baraba Ann by the Beach Boys. There are a multitude of products available on the market if you want to inspire pop bands, DJ’s and rappers to write a song about your bottom – the list is seemingly endless, for example you can purchase, Butt Lifters, Booty Pads and Buttock Enhancers – and if that is not enough to tempt you on Amazon, you can order the ‘Bitty Bum Padded Hipster Panty’ or the ‘Better Bottom Padded Panty.’

During my research I came across this advert –

“Hey pancakes.”

Who me?

“Yes, you, woman with the flat bum – you look like you could do with a lift, am I right? Why not try padded pants to give your scrawny heinie a boost.”

My scrawny what?

“The LoveMyBuns padded boy shorts come with foam butt pads to give you a booty Jlo would envy.”

I always wondered what a booty was. Booty for me was always something robbers stashed in their shoulder sacks.

But men and robbers alike, there is no need to feel left out, because Aussiebum (yes, that’s their real name) have come up with the Wondercup – described as the wonder bra of men’s swimwear. Please bear in mind that this is the same company who invented nutritious underwear incorporating vitamin enriched ingredients which remain active for 15 washes and can be reactivated – although they didn’t say how.

“What’s fascinating about this technology are the potential enrichments; think caffeine, nicotine or Viagra, the possibilities are endless.”

Hmmm – bet they are!

Then there’s the Bra for your Bum – Sweet Cheeks. Or the be all and end all of bras, lingerie maker Triumph in Japan have come up with the solar powered bra, which features a waist mounted solar panel that can be used to power an electric billboard or any other electric device on the chest. A toaster perhaps for your currant buns? It also boasts features to enhance the bust size and to top it all, the bra has a pair of reusable drink containers attached to the cups. Great for all the binge drinkers and ladettes out there to carry their pints of lager around from pub to pub. Triumph are hoping the bra will inspire to people to think about global warming.

If you are a green thinker how about some edible support in the form of the cabbage bra designed by the artist Edith Zinnerman, which you could also eat after wearing, or chop up and add to a nourishing broth or stew.

Anyway, that’s enough about bras and bottoms for one day and wonder bottom or no wonder bottom, I’ve had a lovely birthday – so wonder bottoms up, keep shaking your babaraba and have a drink for me.


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