Woofadoodledoo – Lady Doodles here doggybloggin on behalf of the PM. Not that PM – he’s got enough to say at the moment and like most politicians most of it porkies. Although have to admit, like most of us I can be bribed with a political sausage or two.
Pack mistress is incapacitated, laid low by a filthy southern germ she caught at the PLWHIV conference when she was down in London performing her activist duties. Well let me tell you there is nothing activist about her now, she is lying on the sofa blowing her nose and hooting like an out of tune strumpet or some other musical instrument. She was away so long (seven days and seven long nights to be precise) I hardly recognized her when she finally deigned to come home, added to which she sounded completely different and by that I don’t mean she was talking in cockney rhyming slang or like someone from out of Eastenders. She was talking through her nose (I didn’t know humans could do that?) and her voice was all deep and husky like a man’s.
“Have you bissed me?” she rubbed her snotty nose in my ear, “bummy has bissed you.”
Not sure if that’s one hundred percent true actually. I’ve seen the photos on facebook of her swanning round Harrods checking out the pampered pets department looking at diamond encrusted collars and doggy carrying bags. There’s even one of her posing with a shocking pink doggy pushchair. Well she can forget that – no way she’s pushing me round the park or down town in one of those contraptions and luckily I’m too big to fit in her handbag.
But did she buy me a diamond encrusted bone or even a woofin dog treat? No, nothing, instead she came back sporting a posh new dog walking coat from Zara (birthday pressie) which she is refusing to put sausages in the pocket or even gravy bones. I’m a bit worried about her though, her chest is making some very strange noises, a bit like when the central heating kicks in and she keeps scratching behind her ears, but unlike me she doesn’t use her back leg. She is covered from head to toe in a rash, even her congested bosoms which are driving her mad. Mind you I’ve heard about that London place, you have to pay congestion charges – or maybe she insisted on travelling in the rash hour.
I’ll be glad when her voice gets back to normal though – it’s like trying to decipher a foreign language.
“I bust take my bedication,” she rattles her pill boxes which now include a course of giant horse pill antibiotics which she keeps spitting out. During her convalescent phase which seems to be going on forever she’s been watching all the catch up episodes of “For the love of dogs,” and has now decided to turn me into a therapy dog so I can pull her socks off or pick up the phone for her, lazy cow. She says the antibiotics are making her depressed and that’s why she keeps bursting into tears, but I think it’s because on strict doctors orders she can’t smoke one of her filthy camels. I was trying to console her when that song she likes came on the radio, “You are so beautiful to me,” by Joe cocker (not a bad singer for a spaniel although a little croaky for my liking). She grabbed my head in her hands and looked deep into my eyes – you are so beautiful to me, she croaked along in her new husky voice ….can’t you see – I couldn’t actually because she was pulling my ears over my eyes ….your everything I hoped for ……in a dog she added even though it didn’t fit in with the melody……. your everything I need, You’re Heavens gift to me You are so beautiful …….. her voice cracks and breaks along with Joe cocker spaniel…….. to me.
Well, I suppose she’s got no one else to sing it to. She can hardly sing it to Luis can she, although maybe one day if he ever gets his new front teeth, he may look if not exactly beautiful at least presentable. I miss tio and I don’t care about his lack of molars but you know what these Pack Mistresses are like. I do hope she gets better soon, but being an activist obviously takes its toll and is not for the faint hearted – be careful not to mix your letters up when you say that or it would be haint farted, which at her age haint true although she would swear that it was.
