Hello? Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?

Yes it is actually. This is your apple i phone calling and guess what you are HIV positive.

Hard to believe but apparently it’s true.  

Now your i Phone can test for HIV — in 15 Minutes.

“Ten years in the making, the device produces results 10 times faster than traditional testing methods. It works this way. Start by attaching the dongle, a piece of hardware that conducts the test. Then take a small blood sample, a simple prick will do.”

Hang on! Wasn’t it a simple prick that got us in this predicament in the first place?

“Insert it into a disposable plastic collector. Connect the plastic collector to a microfluidic chip used to analyze the sample and insert the chip with the blood sample into the dongle. Open the app, wait about 15 minutes, and voila: results.”

“Will people require potential sex partners to undergo a “quick prick” test prior to intercourse?” The article goes on to question.

I’m saying nothing!! 

Aside from your phone (and the GUM obviously!) there are other ways to find out if you are HIV positive.  Some venues now have vending machines that offer free HIV Tests. The test uses an oral swab and can detect HIV-1 and HIV-2 antibodies within 20 minutes.

“With the ease of buying a pack of gum, high-risk populations can now access free, in-home HIV testing kits from a vending machine and learn their status within minutes,” said Lori Mizuno, director of public health for AHF.

All well and good I suppose but we are all aware of the tragic consequences that can arise from people receiving the shattering news of an HIV diagnosis alone with no support.

On a lighter note, if the test does turn out to be positive you can always suck on a coconut. Studies have shown that coconut oil can successfully overpower certain viruses such as influenza, herpes, measles and hepatitis C. Maybe it will work for HIV?

Mind you that’s all very well if you live on a pacific island where coconuts are plentiful, if not ‘bounty-full’ – but Coconuts are not easily come by in Blackburn, apart from on the fair and they don’t really have coconut shys anymore – roll up roll up, I’ve got a luverly bunch of coconuts – big ones small ones some as big as yer ‘ead.

Maybe someone could come up with coconut vending machine?

All this new technology. I remember when vending machines sold fags and the odd tampax. I also remember when phones had lines and operators. 

“Hello is that the operator? You’d better get off the line, there’s a train coming.”

Talking of lines after being without a clothesline for the entire duration of the winter I bought myself a new rotary dryer. It’s bright orange with matching pegs. I was so excited I couldn’t wait to hang out my washing.

“Honestly mum how can you be excited about a washing line?” my son asked me in complete bafflement. “It’s just washing at the end of the day.”

I remember a similar look on his father’s face when I was slaving away in the kitchen and singing along to a sad song from Phantom of the Opera crying.

“What on earth goes on in your head?” he’d asked me in disgust, but then he never really understood me, that’s why we got divorced. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a case of like father like son. But no time to worry about that – off to hang another load of whites with my soft grip colour coordinated pegs. Clean living – what could be better!

A whiter shade of pale!!





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